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Self Sabotage?

Updated: Jul 2, 2019

The more I grow 'up' the more it becomes evident that a continuous amount of un-learning has to take place if curious minds are to stretch and conquer complicated subconscious territories. This was made evident to me today in the dumbest possible way because it's a classic example: Gender in the workplace.

For the purpose of this entry, I'm not really going to discuss the nuances of this issue politically or socially. Instead I just want to write down what my experience is and what it means for my internal growth.

So it turns out that I've been holding on to a certain amount of anxiety when I'm dealing specifically with male leaders in face to face business meetings. That's just the truth. I get nervous if there is a deal on the table that I have to discuss with a dude. Weirdly enough, this only happens if the meetings are in person and not over the phone or online. It is important to mention that I haven't lived through (knock on wood) any sort of discrimination, felt like I've been looked down upon or anything like that. Which means this issue is very much my own, and unrelated to my real experiences.

What this tells me is that my brain has created this wall that doesn't place me on equal footing with my male colleagues, which I can bypass when it's a dislocated voice on a machine but unavoidable in person. This to me is clearly learned behavior, which now that I've pinpointed I can begin to dismantle. Maybe it's a different kind of fear/ self-sabotage? Another possible mountain to climb in the fucked up road towards self acceptance and professional success? I'm not sure. But it's not a bad idea to constantly remind myself that my soft but steady voice will always carry me through.

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