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Something is Brewing

Not to dig too deep in my constantly changing emotional state but I go from feeling like I'm floating while life is happening all around me tethered only by the connection I have to my husband; to annoying the shit out of myself by how deeply I have to think about everything. Neither one of those feels particularly great so I'm constantly down a path of wavering mild depression. Actually, now that I think about it (go figure) this describes how being alive mostly feels like for me. And not everything is gloom and doom - I can laugh at my endless existential crisis as well as feel intimately connected to people and the beauty that exists. (Cue rolling plastic bag) (Old reference which in 2019 is like super sad for the environment)

What I'm trying to say is, that I've spent ages trying to shed this aspect of my personality: To be less obsessive, to expect less from the people in my life, to be less observant, to be less emotional, to be LESS. All in the pursuit of a happier self since it's not cute to be on day three down the rabbit hole of the latest conspiracy theory, or feeling that it's MY fault to be continuously disappointed by those 'close' to me. It's a mindfuck I'm not interested in accepting anymore.

Enough. I can't think happy thoughts and be happy. Falling in love with the many things I enjoy doesn't make me weird, self involved, a know it all or flaky. Being observant is not about judgement, it actually comes from a very empathetic place. Why have I always felt that shunning this part of myself was needed in order to grow and be/feel 'better'?

That's it. I'm ending this blog mid thought because that's all I have right now. It's time for me to write more and see where walking the dark labyrinth gardens inside my brain will lead me next.

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